After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
