i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
