yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize