Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
