forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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