i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize