Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
