i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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