i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
