Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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