there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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