seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
