I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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