Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
