I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
