I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
