after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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