she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
