When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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