I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
