Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
