we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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