I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
