I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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