I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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