you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
