Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
