Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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