Your mouth is God's brothel.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I just put wine in my tea
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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