they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
