I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
