So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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