He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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