I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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