Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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