you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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