My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
