A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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