Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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