I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
