I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
