i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
