Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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