I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
