tell your sister to shave her snatch
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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