Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
