im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
