just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
