She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
