Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
