I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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