just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
