I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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