Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
