she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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