I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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