I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize