shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
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