see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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