I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
